My Future Career Path

This space is somewhere I usually talk to you about makeup, fashion and all things pretty. I absolutely love sharing my favourites and all the good things in life, but sometimes I just want to sit here and type how I feel. I've already kind of set this out to be a depressing post but honestly, it isn't. It is simply a life update, where I write about how I feel and things that have changed in my life over the past few months. This post is documenting a poignant segment of my life - choosing my future. As I've said before, I absolutely despise making decisions - I don't mean 'what do I fancy for dinner', I'm talking deciding what I want to do for the rest of my life at such a young age. I think it is so ridiculous how, although I've matured, my grades as an 18 year old define what I can be in the future or who I want to be. A few months ago I wanted to go into theatre and dance yet now I want to be a forensic scientist?! Two completely different careers that cannot be any further from each other. Even though I have such a hatred towards this, I am becoming more and more accepting of it - I mean, I have no choice really. So...here is the journey I've gone through over the past couple of months and how I re-cooperated from turning into a coach potato.

OLD CAREER PATH

As many of you will know, I aspired to be an performer - whether it be a professional dancer, actress or performing on the west end - I wanted a career that involved being on stage. I absolutely love the buzz I get from performing - ever since the age of 3, I've spent my life rehearsing for local shows, dancing on a weekly basis and later, having singing lessons. Due to wanting to pursue such a tough career, I evidently wished to stand out - I joined local theatre groups, took graded dance exams, improved on my vocals and worked within my dance school to get some training. Although I believe it is never too late to change what you want to do, it caused me to have a major panic. My whole A-level options revolved around dance/theatre studies - I took Drama, Dance, English Literature and Biology at AS level and had no option but to drop English. I HATED English lessons and didn't want to put up with another year of strained essay writing, simply for my own well being. Anyway, more onto my mental breakdown later...

The whole reason my mind changed was because of many experiences I went through during summer 2016. I got into the finals for the National Youth Dance Company, which I am still so proud of, and started questioning a lot of things. I never actually made it into the company; however, this is in NO WAY the reason why I changed because of course, you will always have knocks and falls in this type of industry. The ACTUAL reason was because I saw the standard of the other dancers - I am not looking for sympathy, but they were incredible and beyond my skill level. It would just be ridiculous to compete against them and quite simply, a waste of time. I know a lot of people will tell me that 'I'm good' or 'you shouldn't give up' but honestly, you didn't see what I saw. I know my ability more than anyone and could not think of anything worse than wasting 3 years at university and not being guaranteed a job there. The final thing that completely swerved me away from this career path was attending my university of 'hopes and dreams' - Trinity Laban. If I were to go to a dance university, it would have been Laban because I was set on contemporary dance - it suited me the best and I loved it more than any style. I went to their pre-audition workshop in July and HATED every second of it. This university that I'd built up in my head to be my safe haven was honestly one big nightmare! Don't get me wrong, the architecture and grounds were beautiful, not to mention the beautiful places in Greenwich, the course and atmosphere was NOT for me. I struggle with ballet on a personal level - I naturally have thicker thighs and I always will, so I am very self conscious when it comes to such a strict aesthetic style of dance. The course consisted of more ballet than you could ever imagine; I was always behind everyone else and felt ridiculously out of place. The ballet session ended with me changing clothes as quick as possible whilst I heard girls laughing about 'the fat girl who couldn't do it'. I burst into tears and forced my mum to take me out of the building. You may also think I'm being stupid but I'm a very sensitive person, and I know wherever you go you will always come across bitchiness. However, my experience was just ridiculous and it has seriously hindered my confidence by 1000%. From this, I knew I didn't want to pursue a career that was so difficult to make a living from, make a break through or be surrounded by a bunch of girls who think they are better than you. 

THE BREAKDOWN

I was so confused and annoyed because I made my options so specific to my 'performer' career choice that I was worried I wouldn't be able to pursue a career any other way - not to mention my huge knock of self-esteem. Honestly, I felt helpless, worried, stressed and paranoid. I don't think I've ever felt that way before in my entire life - it ruined a lot of my summer because I was scared to go out the house, wear certain items and make me lose a lot of confidence. It sucks how people can make you feel that way! Alongside my personal issues was my lack of energy and motivation; it was such a struggle getting up and being positive when I had no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I'm a girl who loves ambition - I find it one of the most attractive traits in a human and without my own ambition, I felt useless. Thus, my mind was in constant limbo over July/August due to the horrific aftermath of the 'London' incident and whether I wanted to even go to university (of course I did, I was just being so lazy and annoying!) My parents were being so loving and supportive, along with my boyfriend, who were all trying to help me find some sort of new, exciting plan that would bring back my determination and happiness. Regretfully, I kept pushing them all away - my mind was in a bad place and everything was getting on top of me. Overload of work is no excuse to treat people like this but for some reason, that is what my mind and body decides to do. Apologies to all who tried to help and I am very grateful to have such caring people in my life.

THE NEW ME

On my birthday (4th September), the day before I went back to school to start my second year of A levels, I had an epiphany. It was late Sunday evening and I randomly decided to flick through a university prospectus (Derby's to be exact). I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing until I saw the Forensic Science page. Biology is my favourite subject to study at school; I love learning and revising new concepts that are so relevant to everyday life. Science seriously intrigues me so I was surprised I never even thought about it before - probably because I was wasting too much time feeling sorry for myself and eating tonnes of fast food. As soon as I saw this Forensic course, I was well underway to discovering my love for the subject and content behind it. Literally, I am so happy with my decision to study science at university, optimistic about the future again, ambitious to achieve the best I can at the end of the year and most importantly, feeling less pressure. My options only require me to have BBB-BBC so I feel a lot less stressed and am excited, already, to fit in to university life. Visiting universities has been my priority over Autumn and I've had such a fun time doing so. Alongside seeing amazing universities, I've been able to explore new places in the country I've never been, as well as spend some well-needed quality time with my mum. For anyone wondering, in choice order, my university options are : Kingston University, University of Lincoln, University of Derby, Bournemouth University and University of West London to study a Bachelor of Science degree in Forensic Science. I am looking forward to my next steps and will update you in the near future. 

Apologies for my new upload schedule. I am currently only posting twice a week - surrounded by books and deadlines is not my favourite, I can assure you. I shall hopefully post more in half-terms and holidays!

What is your dream job? What do you want to study at university? What are your plans for the future?

Lots of love