Mental Health Diaries | December Depression

Right, so one of my new year's resolutions is to continue creating raw, authentic content on my Youtube channel, my blog and social media platforms. Although I thought I did that pretty well last year, I want to flourish further by helping others feel comfortable in their own bodies, make people more confident in their own abilities and most importantly, I want to discuss my mental health more. I talk a lot about my mental health on Instagram and previously on my blog, but I want to inject more of the hardships that I'm facing so that it not only gets it of my chest, but it makes you guys feel less alone too. Thus, I've decided to create this little series 'Mental Health Diaries' to give you all updates on my mental health throughout the year. Although I'd like to update you every month, I'm not going to put any pressure on myself as I know it will negatively affect my health further. Fingers crossed I can though so both you, and I, can try improving our mental health month by month.

My first little mental health diary entry is all about the December Depression. This isn't necessarily a 'thing' but I know a lot of people suffer at this time of year with depression and other poor mental health problems; there is so much pressure to be cheery, happy and endlessly energised during the festive season so when your feelings aren't the conventional feelings that people expect you to be expressing, it's even more difficult to build a positive spirit. Prior to December, I'd describe myself as being full of life, driven and motivated to succeed and exceed. However, second year at university has really hit me hard and I began feeling as anxious as I ever have been. I'm not really sure what set it off, so I'm currently figuring that one out, but since mid-November, I knew something wasn't quite right. My energy levels were low, I was beginning to get scared of leaving the house and doing simple daily activities, I was crying consistently for nights and I didn't know what was wrong with me. I started feeling and thinking of the worst things humanely possible and my head went to a very dark place - this ended up spiralling out of control in December which lead to a very well-needed doctor's appointment. 

After visiting the doctors, I finally received the treatment and care that I've been needing for years. I was diagnosed with depression, and I'm sure the severity of my anxiety heightened the whole case too. The doctor went through a variety of options that I hadn't tried before and pushing myself to go there was 100% a step in the right direction. I was so close to giving up after not seeing the light for months but that final push to go to the doctors was all that I needed to find hope again. It's so difficult explaining how you feel when you don't quite understand what's happening yourself. My loved ones would question why I was feeling down or ask why I'm crying but half the time I would have no idea why; I thought I was stupid, embarrassing, strange and quite simply, not normal. Everyone else could explain why they felt the way they did but not me, so I must be the different one who hasn't got their life together. I, for sure, was definitely wrong. I also suffered with extreme panic attacks - I wasn't quite sure when the next panic attack would come and how severe the attack would be. I'd feel breathless, like I was choking, my heart racing but also still at the same time. I never wish that feeling on anyone but if you do ever suffer with panic attacks, I now try to override my brain by trying to rationalise the situation and think 'this won't last forever, I'm not going to die, it will stop soon'. 

Christmas was 'nice' because I got to go home and see my family. I loved spending quality time with my boyfriend, parents, brother and other members of my family. However, I didn't always feel present because of how bad my mental health had been just before returning home from university. I felt like I was isolating myself, despite wanting to cherish all the happy family moments that I'd pictured in my head. I sometimes wanted to lock myself in my room or take myself away from big crowds of people because being around so many people makes me anxious sometimes. I became easily agitated with others because my mind would go into overload, then I'd feel instant sadness if I verbally lashed out at anyone because I wasn't meant for my sentence to come out the way it did or I'd just regret saying a thought aloud. It was a constant battle with myself, which I struggled with throughout December.

I'm now currently working on bettering myself for 2019. There are so many goals and achievements that I'm super driven to strive for. I want to explore new places, find that inner passion for all the things I love again, I want to be carefree and clear my head of all the nastiness. I know mental health problems remain for a long time, and for me personally, I think I'll have them for life. That's why my main new year's resolution is to accept life the way it is and treat my mental illness as a positive rather than hiding away. I want to be proud of how strong I am for overcoming the dark times and celebrate when I beat the SHIT out of my anxiety in situations I never thought I'd put myself in. I'm ready for 2019 so I hope it's ready for me too.

I hope you enjoyed this personal, more chatty style of post. Lemme know if you enjoyed in the comments and we can break the mental health stigma together!

What are you hoping to achieve this year? 

Lots of love